Thursday, June 30, 2005

a cruel & unusual koan

if a mute man gets crushed under a tree in the forest & no-one hears him, does he make a sound?

taking this drunkeness thing perhaps too far

all my blog-entries lately have been alcohol-fueled. this one's no exception: my mom bribed me with some cheap merlot to explain/translate the latest lease for the latest place my parents want for opening another chinese food restaurant -- they were kicked out of the last place when the lease expired -- i've been doing this kind of thing (translating legal documents, not trading booze for services rendered. that's new) for years & consequently i'm more fluent in legalese than any juvenile delinquent should be. that's what i've been doing since midnight. fun, eh? therapy wasn't all that interesting: no Revelations or Discoveries were made although it got kinda surreal when the guy asked if the television "spoke to me". instead, we had a polysyllabic conversation on society & how i willingly court social ostracism by not fitting in properly; my next appointment's july eleventh. people say 4am is the loneliest time of the night, i see no difference between it & any other hour.

happy hour is in the mind,

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

your mama's so fat, her ass contains multitudes

the title doesn't have anything to do with anything: i just couldn't resist. my condolences if it's actually true. i've finished off my bottle of chartreuse & poured the last few drops into one of my bottles of perfume oil (a pink pepper scent from 'the body shop') where it adds a nice bitter smell. i'm typing this standing because there's someone else's blood (i think it's menstrual blood...) on the chair & i'm having trouble breathing because it's so hot & humid; it's long since past the point where sleeping naked is an affectation & not a necessity.
this room smells like shit & old oil.
i'm gonna be seeing a shrink tomorrow -- to maybe figure out why i can't concentrate on any one thing long enough to finish it properly. the only other time i talked to a shrink was several years ago when my french teacher saw me reading a book on suicide... the next day there was a summons to the guidance office ,whereupon i spent an hour convincing the resident therapist that no, i wasn't suicidal, & no, i wasn't homicidal either. i guess i'm still not: it's too much trouble.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

thou shalt not

i know i've been using way too many hyperlinks lately, but here's another one. it's meant as a satire so don't take it seriously: Operation Jesus is still preoccupied indoctrinating korea or something. do the poop test only if you're really, really bored.

Friday, June 24, 2005

don't bother trying these things

-i was curious as to what the taste of goat's milk would be like. unless you like the smell/taste of goat meat, don't bother. it's nasty.
-the museum of the history of contraception is no longer where it used to be (19 greenbelt dr.), instead the exhibit's moved to "somewhere in the states" -- according to the building's receptionist guy. i guess the moral of this is: never trust old guidebooks you find at the library.

i eat scummi bears...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

you may have eaten bugs

if the ingredients list for something has "cochineal" or "carmine" in it, then you've eaten ground up female cochineal beetles...i've been using this little bit of trivia to gross people out for years but i'm sharing this here 'cause i'm trying to make a point of doing an entry every time i go online (that's why there's been more [crappy] posts lately) & my brain is relatively numbed/empty on account of having finished half my bottle of chartreuse. if you think you might be allergic to powdered bug, read this to get another reason to be pissed off at the government. cochineal is used as a colourant in the clove lozenges i eat but i like 'em fine: knowingly eating bugs is always better than looking at the designation "natural &/or artificial colours" & just wondering.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

chartreuse & speaking american

i bought a full-sized bottle of chartreuse yesterday --the first liquor i've had that wasn't in those easily-swipable miniature bottles or from shots at a bar. the first taste was horrible, a taste like cough syrup & black pepper, & i started regretting getting the $30 bottle instead of springing for the $70 one. but it turned out that it was so damn nasty because of the iced coffee-thingie i'd mixed it with. i hate coffee. i'm now drinking it straight up or on the rocks & it's definitely more than decent -- maybe even better than tequila! i finished off about a quarter of the bottle last night...with no ill effects
i'm also reading this book, do you speak american, by robert macneil, that's pretty interesting despite the fact that it only mentions canada thrice (with one of them being a "joke": canadians are so polite they thank the atm machine). i don't think i 'speak american' though my pronounciation of some words are different than those of other native torontonians & i don't know why.

Monday, June 20, 2005

categorize me good

now you go waste some of your severely limited lifespan!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

a tearful entreaty:

i spent much of today from my previous post 'til now standing on endless buses & subway trains & going all over the city getting forms & getting people to sign those forms & paying people to validate those forms...all so that i can get my passport. not getting any sleep tends to make me hyper-alert (considering i had nothing to drink but tea since sunset) tempoarily & while i can still go for maybe another half-day before i crash, what made me sick was the astonishing amount of middle aged guys with bono-hair & women that should i put it delicately? diseased mutton dressed as lamb? yeah, that's it. & how come so many "professional" men wear dockers? just because you sit in a cubicle all day for so long that your ass is flat doesn't mean you have to flaunt it! i had a math teacher who wore dockers & while i wouldn't say he's attractive even objectively speaking (he has more brain than chin but he couldn't even draw a proper graph), it wouldn't have hurt him to have worn something else. something that doesn't draw attention to his deflated-basketball ass.
promise me, dear reader, that you'll age gracefully, accept your wrinkled tits &/or pizzle [love that word!] for something that is fundamentally unchangeable; while you/we're at it, do make a point of talking about, thinking about things that you haven't lifted verbatim from the television -- i know it's hard & that in doing so you'll risk social ostracism & insanity (i mean, look at me...) but it's kind of worth it if you don't mind the endless lonely nights of introspection, wondering why & how the hell has humankind survived for so long with so little in the way of brains (& fashion sense too, i might add).

emasculating your volvos,

add diy etc

finished my 'angstploitation' t-shirt, it's been hanging in my room for a couple of months & all it was waiting for was a skull-shaped stamp above the words. this would have been a good spot for a photo or something but, alas, i have no digital camera & only 2 busted scanners...

more on the jackson/sony thing:
-since the sony/atv music publishing merger, jackson owns 50% of way more than just columbia records.
-the good thing is, he seems to be in a whole shitload of financial trouble .
-the future for mister-my-face-is-falling-off?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

going fungoid

the sunblock i'm using is spf60 (yes, the legends are true... it exists) it's for people with "sunlight intolerance" -- says so on the box -- so hopefully, i won't need my umbrella anymore; it seems to be helping me preserve my unhealthy pallor somewhat but it could be the placebo effect for all i know.

scarier than seeing your grandpa beating it:

it came up in a news report 2 days ago that michael jackson owns half of sony. does that mean every artist signed to columbia records is jacko-approved? i knew the slag owns the rights to the beatles' stuff... but half of sony?! fuck. someone tell me this ain't true. i'll do some research & post whatever i find.
-like, totally vomitrocious!

Friday, June 10, 2005

'paradiddle' sounds dirty, doesn't it?

some words that really ought to be people's names:

Monday, June 06, 2005

things things the musical fruit

-ever notice how no-one ever talks about beans in the singular? it's like some collectivity of legumes. a hive-mind kind of thing... there is no one Bean but Beans, yeah.
-i have another window open, checking my email, & there's all those ads for viagra & penis-elongators or whatever they're really they send these out indiscriminately to everybody or what? i'm dickless!!! ok, that sounds wrong somehow
-there are brains in the fridge. it's pig brains but still -- i open the fridge door & there's this pinkish meatwad just sittin' there
-real pirates drink rum: i had some & tequila's still better...
-my skin's gone kind of all blistery from the sun. if i sit still for long enough i can feel/ think i can feel my cells fizzling out like lightbulbs. little, itty bitty ones.
-manhattan looks really like a droopy penis on the map... brooklyn, queens, &c makes the 'scrotum' part look like it has elephantitis
-poll: what colour is better for a tattoo if it's gonna be in just 1 colour, black or tattoo-blue?
-as you may or may not have guessed, i'm not all there at the moment: i didn't sleep last night & won't be going to bed until past midnight tonight. all i'm running on is several mugs of cold earl grey.

part of an incomplete breakfast,

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

i got a job (finally)

well, it's a 2-day thing picking up other people's rubbish, but i'll be $120 richer... it's a start.